Mom, they think it might be cancer!



    It's me and somehow I feel like if I write something and send it out into cyberspace there's more of a chance that you will see it. I always thought it would be daddy that kept in touch with me. Somehow, through the computer or my phone. But the strange texts are all you. And I love them all.

    So, if you don't know, A few weeks ago I had a bad case of like Vertigo. Since I had been swimming so much (Yes, I've been wearing the earplugs but water still gets in) I figured I had an inner ear thing, they'd give me some drops or antibiotics and send me on my way. Well, they took a Cat scan and it came back with something on it. The doctor said it was small, looked benign but I should have it looked at.

    My ears were fine but gave me a list of what could be causing the dizziness. Gave me some motion sickness pills and in 2 days it was gone (??) I went to the neurologist and she said that we should get and MRI and I should probably do it with contrast. Mom, I wish I had but it scares me so much....makes me itch and feel nauseous and I'm already going into a tomb.

    I did the MRI w.o contrast. The results came back. It's a tumor. They can't tell if it's benign or malignant because of the lack of contrast. it's 15mm by 15mm by 5mm sort of a triangle. They are trying to rush me through before they 4th of July weekend. (Hey, it wouldn't be me without an emergency over the holiday weekend right?) But I need another MRI w. contrast.

    I don't want to leave him mom. I waited my whole life for him. But you know I've been fighting so hard these last few years,... I don't see that many other reasons for sticking around. I used to want to stick around to see Meredith grow up and to be her cool old aunt. But that won't happen. I used to think my sis and I really may be old ladies together in a house filled with cats. That's not ever going to happen.

    And the way my sweet man lives, horrible diet, pushes himself at work, (For me mostly) still thinks he's invincible, doesn't follow up with doc. appts., I don't see him blowing out a large number of birthday candles and I love him so much but I'd rather make my exit first. I'm so tired of fighting for everything....Trying to make friends AGAIN...And stay close with the old ones who I miss like a leg. Trying to still feel as though there is some youth left in me. Trying to pretend my heart doesn't break for what once was. AND THEN, there is the Las Vegas heat. Shit.... but it's just the summer. I actually picked a great time to be sick.

    It's like for all the signs and visits I've had I know I will see you guys if I do cross. I just want more and more proof....ha. Not ever enough for me. When daddy visited me after he first was gone, he told me that dying was so effortless and easy if he had only know he would've done it quite a bit sooner but he was afraid. He said it was as simple as changing channels on the remote control or switching the dial on the radio. I hope that's how it is for me. I guess all things being equal, I want to live. But as a healthy person. I mean i'll work at it. I want to keep building my business and help kids and animals and spend time with my guy and maybe extend his years to. I guess I don't wanna die. But I don't wanna live sick on chemo, one treatment after another trying to bargain an extra few months. It's not who I want to be.

    ​Well, I guess we'll see. I love you and miss you everyday. Less when I get the texts.